You Got CirnoRolled!
by MCK Agent of Moriya
Summary: What happens when a bored resident of the human village decides to write insane, crackfics about the residents of Gensokyo? Crackfic Collection.
1. Cheap SyFy Monster meets Girl

**Hello everyone. This is a crackfic collection, very much inspired by my friend, Superstarultra's "You Got HaruhiRolled!", and the infamous, Roxiu's "You Got LuluRolled!". Excpect to see anything, and everything! This first dealie is a pairing between Suika...and a nameless, SyFy channel original movie monster, Cyclops. Also, it's a Zelda crossover. The second one happens whenevr you visit Walfas, for more than a second.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Touhou. It belongs to ZUN. Nuff said. Don't expect me to repeat the sam edisclaimer every chapter. It gets annoying after a while, in my opinion.**

**Here goes something~  
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**You got CirnoRolled!**

**Stage 1: The Oni and the Cyclops. **

**Time: 6:00PM GST (Gensokyo Standard Time)**

**Location: The Kingdom of Hyrule**

A petit oni woman, horns atop her head, was walking down one of the many roads of Hyrule. As she began to turn, a large crowd of people were running in her direction. Perplexed, the girl focuses for a moment, utilizing her innate powers as an oni. She grew to ten times her regular size, so she wouldn't be trampled by the crowd of humans. Not that it would hurt her, this just keeps her clothes, which grew with her, clean. She then noticed the thing that was causing the humans to run.

A large, humanoid creature, at least ten feet tall was rampaging in the streets. He was letting out grunts, and such, while he used his monstrous strength to throw things around. However, there was something about the creaure, that made the girl's face light up a bit.

It had one eye.

No matter how hard she tried, the small oni could not take her eyes off...the eye. She was so mesmerized by it's perfect shape, and how cute the pupil looked within, she didn't even bother taking a sip from the gourd she carries with her, like she would every few minutes or so. After what seemed like an eternity, but was more like three minutes, the creature noticed the oni, who by then had shrunk back down to her normal size.

The giant was sizing up the girl, until he saw something more precious than any meal. He saw two, perfectly curved horns, atop the girl's head. The way they looked almost to his breath away. The perfectly curved shape, the beautiful shade of brown, they looked like they belonged on a demon. The giant decided to make a move.

He walked, casually to the oni girl. As he stood in front of her, he muttered, what to humans, sounded like grumbling and growling. However, the girl understood the giants language.

"You, pretty. You. Me feast?"

"You, handsome." The girl replied, blushing a little, in the creature's own language. "Me, You, feast!"

"Me Cyclops! Me big celebrity. Me have own movie on cable!" The Cyclops introduced himself, bragging a little.

"Me, Suika Ibuki! Me big celebrity too. Me was boss in fighting game!" Suika replied, with a little bragging of her own.

"Where we eat?" The Cyclops asked, unsure of a good eatery.

"King, having big celebration today! Invite only. But he invite me! Invite say I can bring you!" The oni cheerfully replied.

"Yay~. What you favorite food?" The Cyclops asked, making a little small talk.

"Sake~" Suika replied, despite the fact that sake isn't food. "You?"

"Meat~. Me like how you say sake." The monster commented.

"Me like how you say meat!" The girl replied, sounding even more cheerful than before. "You, Me, go to castle now! Sake!"

"Meat!" The giant said, as the two started walking to the castle.

**MEANWHILE, IN HYRULE CASTLE...**

A large man, with long, golden hair, and beard, was sitting atop a throne. By him, were a boy, clad in green, with long ears. "Hmm... Mah boi, I wonder what's for DINNER."

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a ox!" The boy replied.

Then, a man riding atop a magic carpet flew in from the balcony. He was dressed in stereotypical Arabic gear. "My liege! This is terrible! An oni, and a cyclops are attacking the kingdom! They are heading this way." He warned.

"Great! I'll go get my stuff!" The boy exclaimed.

"There is no need. Your sword will be enough." The man on the carpet replied.

"But it's an oni, and a cyclops. Don't you think Link, mah boi, should bring some BOMBS?" The King offered.

"...Just get on the damn carpet, Link." The man ordered.

"Oh boy!" Link exclaimed, as he got on the magical device.

**AT THE CASTLE'S GATE...**

"Stop, in the name of the nameless king!" A random solider demanded.

"But we have an invitation to the feast!" Suika shouted, in her human-speaking voice. She waved the slip of paper around to show emphasis.

"Yes, but that Cyclops has caused turmoil to the kingdom! He must be arrested for his crimes at once!" The solider, who'll just be called 'Bob' from here on out replied.

"He didn't do anything wrong! He was just hungry!" Suika came to the defense of the monster, spreading out her arms in emphasis.

"If you are going to defend the cyclops, then you will be labled as a traitor! Even though you're just a random oni, who traveled here, and doesn't even live here." Bob replied.

"Hold on!" A cheesy sounding voice came from above. Then, a boy, clad in green, holding a sword, came down from a flying carpet. "I'll take this from here, Bob, you tend to your men."

"But Link, our men aren't even hurt." Bob stated, matter-of-factly.

"Did I ask for your opinion, almost nameless solider?" Link asked, annoyed.

"N-no." The solider ran off.

"Now, I challenge you to a game of Super Smash Bros!" Link exclaimed, pointing at Suika. "If I win, the two of you will be executed, by Death!" He pointed at a figure, clad in a black hood, with no part of his body visible, except his hands, which seemed to be bone, and nothing else. He was also carrying a scythe.

"Wassup." Death greeted the two.

"He just started working here recently. Apparently, he lost a bet to some chick named Yuyuko, or some shit." Link explained.

"What happened?" Suika asked.

"He challenged her to an eating contest. Whoever ate the longest won. You'd think, that with no stomach, he'd have an easy win, right?" Link paused, as the oni, and the cyclops nodded.

"Wrong. She just sucked everything down, like a pal of mine, Kirby. She ended up eating his arms. Being a ghost already, touching Death couldn't kill her, and Death didn't know how to eat with just his head. So she won." Link finished his story. Death just scratched the back of his head. "Anyways, if you win, all of your charges will be dropped, and you can come to the feast. But after that, you've gotta get the fuck out. Now for the rules...No items, no smash balls, Fox only, Final Destination."

"Gay~." Suika commented. "Why don't we just fight?"

"Sure! After all, any good role model for children would be seen beating up a loli, right?"

"What. Did. You. Just. Call. Me." Suika started fuming, the second he said the accursed 'L' word.

"But that's what you are. Your chest is so flat, I could play Beyblade on it." Those are the last words Link spoke while he was conscious, as the oni ran up to him, in no time flat, and smashed him into the wall, with her monstrous strength. The Cyclops walked up to her, lifted her up in an embrace, which to her felt like an embrace, but to any human, would feel like being crushed.

"You not worry. He fool."

"You right. He no smart." She replied, as she took her larger form, and hugged him back. He was taken a little surprised by this, but continued his embrace. Meanwhile, Death and Bob were playing Blazblue, on a conveniently placed PS3.

EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, AT THE OUTTER GATE OF THE KINGDOM OF HYRULE...

The oni and the Cyclops were walking out of the kingdom, stuffed and drunk, after nearly depleting Hyrule Castle of all of it's foodstuffs. The two wobbled off, into the morning sun, looking for a new adventure...

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**Second Phantasm Stage?**

Reimu was exhausted. She had just fought off the last of Yukari Yakumo's spellcards. Or so she thought.

"Hmph. You're pretty good, Shrine Maiden. But, can you withstand the ultimate terror?" Yukari dared.

"Bring it on!" Reimu panted. "Nothing can be worse than that insane-ass spellcard you just used!"

"If you insist...CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEN~" She called out, as she opened up a gap.

"Oh, that Stage 2 boss again? What's she going to do to me? Mew at me to death?" The red-clad miko mocked. However, the form that came from the gap was not familiar. It was a small, gray cat, wearing Chen's hat, and dress. It also had boxing gloves on it's paws. "Huh?" Before the Shrine Maiden could respond, the cat flew at her, faster than any bullet she had ever encountered. As the cat made contact with her face, she felt a crushing blow to her head, before she lost consciousness.

"K.O.!" Yukari shouted, as Aya came out of nowhere to take pictures of the mess. "You don't fuck with Chen."

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**That's it for now. I'll update this whenever I get a funny idea for it. Otherwise, I'll be playing around with my other work. Wouldn't want to force anything, would we? Please Review! Your red-clad, exposed armpit miko demands it!**


	2. The Terror of MarisaB

**I finally got to writing another chapter for this :D The first half of this story, is a parody of a certain series of creepypasta called "The Holders". If you want, familiarize your self with two or three of those short stories first, you can find the at "theholders . org" (Remove spaces) Be warned, some of it is pretty crazy. The second half, features a bunch of OCC'ness, and one of the most exploitable glitches in any Touhou game. Enjoy.**

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**The Holder of the PAD. **

In Gensokyo, go to any Scarlet Devil Mansion you can find. When you reach the gate, ask the gatekeeper if you can visit someone called, "The Holder of the PAD". If you hear the noise "Kyuu~" and the gatekeeper explodes, run away as fast as you can, and dive into the lake. Drowning, or being teabagged by the local ice fairy/idiot would be a much fairer fate than what awaits you above the water.

If the gatekeeper suddenly has a knife embedded in her forehead, then your fate is sealed, there is no turning back. Wait exactly thirteen seconds, and run into the mansion. Wait any longer, or try to run away, and you will find your head stuck in the ground, the rest of your body above the ground, for all eternity.

When you enter the mansion, a purple pajama-clad woman will lead you deeper inside. If, at any time, she coughs on you, throw up on the nearest fairy maid, by sticking a finger down your throat. If you do not, you will be trapped in a IOSYS music video for all eternity. She will lead you to a normal-looking door.

Knock exactly three times on the door, waiting a half of a second between each knock. You will hear a voice calmly say "Enter". Quickly enter the room, and close the door behind you. It will lock on it's own. When you look into the room, you will see a young, silver-haired woman in a maid outfit. Her breasts will look undoubtedly huge. If you look at them for more than a second, or make any comment about them, thousands of knives will come out of nowhere, and tear through your body. You will be awake the entire time. Before the woman loses her patience, and the knives tear though you anyway, ask her one question. "Why did They wear them?"

She will then charge towards you, and tackle you to the ground. Do not avoid her, otherwise she will fall, break her neck and die. You will then be locked in that room for eternity. She will have you mounted, and start punching you with great ferociousness. You must stare at her eyes at all times, and not offer any kind of resistance. You must also stay awake, at all costs. If you fail to do any of these, you will suffer a fate so terrible, even a soulless demon would weep for you.

Once she is done beating you, she will stand up, reach into her chest, and throw two large pads down at you, knocking you out. When you awaken, you will be at the Hakurei Shrine, with said pads in your hands. The shrine maiden will give you a dirty look, but otherwise, you are fine.

These pads are object 69 of 538. Do not give these to your lover, less you face a terrible end.

**Mountain of Marisa(B)**

Marisa Kirisame, the ordinary magician, was flying off to confront an annoying Mountain Goddess. She was shooting down fairies, and the occasional Lesser Goddess with her magic lasers. However, something was bugging her. _"My lasers are acting weird. When they're at max power, they act fine, but if I discharge some of it a couple of times, to avoid becoming a cooked goose, they go all crazy!" _She thought to herself. While she was pondering that, she quite literally bumped into Nitori. "Ugh! What where you're going, ze~"

"Eek! A human!" The small girl flew away, as Marisa tried to regain her balance.

"What a strange..ah crap." After she regained her balance, she noticed more fairies had fired bullets at her. She discharged some of her magic, to protect herself, and noticed her lasers acting weird again. "Geez, the power of these thing is sure acting weird." She noted, as even the stronger fairies were exploding, just by touching the laser for a second. Then she saw the girl from before. She raised a spell card, but before she could cast it, Marisa's lasers had already struck her, as she fell to the water below, unconscious.

"Ehh, she'll be fine, ze." Marisa flew off, heading towards the mountain itself.

The ordinary magician's flight was quite destructive after that. She kept knocking everything she ran into out. First there was the white wolf tengu, Momiji. Then, there was that crow tengu, Aya. She actually put up a decent fight, since she flew so fast, she avoided the lasers for a while. However, Marisa tricked her, and hit her with the overpowered laser. Not even the Moriya shrine maiden, Sanae, could put up a good fight. Finally, Marisa was staring down the Mountain Goddess, Kanako Yasaka.

"I've seen what you're capable of, witch. But I know how to stop you..." An evil grin apperaed on Kanako's face. She then started to fire danmaku at Marisa. But it wasn't ordinary danmaku. It was...

"Power symbols? Why are you trying to charge up my magic?" Marisa asked.

"So your lasers can't unleash their ultimate power..." The Goddess continued to smirk.

"What if I just discharged my magic enough times to return to my lasers, ze?" Marisa pressed on, with a smirk forming on her face.

"That doesn't save you from clipdeath..."

"Oh. Now you're just getting desperate." Marisa started to fire back, discharging every two seconds.

**FIVE MINUTES OF BOMB SPAM LATER...**

"Ugh, you coward..." Kanako darkly muttered, before falling to the ground, unconscious.

"Hah. You're just jealous that I'm more powerful than you, ze." The magician then grew a wide smile, as she realized something. "..I must be a Goddess myself." She started to laugh maniacally, the power of her hax shot type getting to her head. "HAHAHAHA! I AM A GODDESS!"

"Oh. I never knew that." From the path she took earlier, Reimu came flying in. "So you're the Goddess meddling into everything, Marisa."

"Oh, so it's like that now, is it?" Marisa sounded more and more mad by the second. "Now you're jealous of me! Well tremble before my might!" She started to fire her lasers yet again.

"I'm afraid that's not going to work, Marisa..." Reimu then held up a spell card every man, woman, and youkai fear. "Fantasy Heaven!" Reimu went semi-transparent, the lasers going through her with no effect. Then, seven ying-yang orbs circled around her, and started to fine thousands upon thousands of paper seals in ever direction. Unable to dodge, Marisa too hit, after hit, after hit. She fell to the ground, but didn't feel too hurt surprisingly.

"Ha! Was that supposed to hurt, Reimu!" Marisa laughed.

"...you're already dead." Reimu muttered.

"..what?" Then, Marisa's head grew to a grotesque size, as she exploded.

"Well, there goes one extend." Reimu sighed, as she walked up to the unconscious Goddess. "Poor thing. I'd let you stay at my place, but then my currently unnamed god would get offended."

"Arrgh! Reimu, that wasn't funny, ze!" Marisa, who had re-spawned a few minutes later, complained at the shrine maiden.

"Well, at least you're not crazy in the head anymore." Reimu sighed. "I'm going home. Go fix your options, unless you want all of Gensokyo at your front door tomorrow."

"...fine." Marisa grumbled, as she took off.

Rumors spread, but it was unclear exactly how Marisa was able to wield so much power. Many youkai asked her about it, mainly Alice and Patchouli, who wanted to study it, and Cirno, who just wanted to nuke everything. However, Marisa will never tell them, that she found a can of Chirumu Cirno energy drink lodged into each of her options.

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**That be it for now. I've been reading more Touhou fics as of late, and have been thinking about making this place my new "home". I dunno when I'll think about more ideas for this, but stay tuned. ****Your red-clad, exposed armpit miko demands it!**


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